February 2012
43 posts
Ate/purged so much tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day.
4 tags
Gag reflex is back in action. I have run out of laxatives though :/ I am so disgusting.
I am going to try and turn tomorrow around. It will mean restricting because it is the only way I can get things done and not hate myself. I doubt I will go to my lesson because I haven’t been since before Christmas and the teacher makes me uneasy. I have some time off now and I will try and email...
“I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts...”
– Johnny Cash - Hurt
Fat disgusting pig.
Bah Humbug.
Just ate for the first time today. It was healthy, low calories, yet I feel bloated and disgusting. I just can’t win. If I don’t eat I binge, if I eat I feel like this. I am really trying not to purge. A sick side of it is because I want my gag reflex to improve because I was purging so much it just went to shit. Maybe I should stop eating altogether, bleh. I guess even if I binge the...
The last few days have been massive starve/binge sessions. Been hectically trying to sort my life out for the exam and not eating while doing so, then drinking a lot and bingeing on complete shit late in the night. I feel pregnant right now, yet part of me is thinking of what else I can eat before tomorrow comes because tomorrow I will not eat, no, no. My exam did go much better than I thought it...
Another shit piece of life day and night. Couldn’t sleep all night because of the binge, I was in so much pain and I guess it wasn’t massess and masses of food but it was enough for me. Then after getting to sleep I woke up really thirsty and drank loads of water which only made the bloating worse. Lovely lax pains this morning. My counsellor cancelled, I had so many things I needed to...
Gag Relex.
Is officially fucked. I am officially a whale.
Will have to stop eating altogether.
I hope I get hit by a bus.
Ogre coming through.
Shit Sleep.
Cried for hours before finally drifting off. Then got woken up by lax attack. Then weird pains accross my entire chest. Now an alarm. I am going to try and get some practice in before my assessment.
Will still embarrass myself I’m sure, it’s too late.
Going to try and sleep. The tears are coming and I have months worth of things to do tomorrow that are impossible to do in a day. I don’t know where my life is going and I know I will wake up wishing I was dead. I will be too heavy, of body and soul.
“The sadness will last forever.”
– Suicide note of Vincent van Gogh (1853-1890)
Haven’t reached my February target.
FUCK IT ALL.
6 tags
Panic.
I am panicing that food is still inside me. I am panicing about tomorrow coming. I am panicing about the rest of my life. I am panicing that I have gained weight. I am panicing about ever leaving this room again. I am panicing about my exam on Tuesday. I am panicing that no one can help me.
I am in a constant state of panic.
Kill Me Now.
I can’t get it all out. Time to punish myself.
I fail at life & I am going to fail this exam.
I have no idea why I bother to keep on living.
I want to smoke weed.
I haven’t in so long. I used to smoke every day.
I am such a huge ogre.
Thinner.
‘A curse makes a lawyer continually lose weight, and he must break the spell before he wastes away. Horror based on Stephen King’s novel.’ Sounds fucking weird.
Here we go.
Today I have most definitely eaten my feelings.
And now I am going to drink them.
Laxatives have a tendancy to kick in at just the...
5 tags
Pissed off.
I woke up really down and stayed in bed until 2pm. I then decided I would go and buy some foods that I used to eat during my recovery last year and try and make a proper, lovely meal for the first time in ages. Then I planned to go and practice later this evening. I just ate the meal, I feel increibly sick and want to purge. I don’t want to practice and I just want to cry. I guess I am...
No big downs today, just one normalish one. A special person is getting me through. Hm, this is all difficult.
I am stupid idiot, obsessed by stupid things when...
silentviolentseduction:
I need to stop this b/p silliness that is starting to become a habit. I liked it far better when I was simply not eating.
And I swear I’m going to shoot the first person to come up and tell me that I’m looking healthier.
5 tags
FEBRUARY 2011.
I was completely engulfed in my eating disorder. I overdosed. I spent 3 days on drip in a general ward for a serious overdose. I spent a period as an inpatient on a [completely useless] psychiatric ward. I went into abeyance at college. I had had done 0 assignments. I spent a lot of time with the crisis and home treatment teams. I was having regular panic attacks. I harmed myself regularly. ...
4 tags
Whoosh.
I had a pretty successful day today and now I am feeling pretty positive and invincible. It is crazy how much my moods change and I think that is a problem in itself but am I pretty confused about my previous diagnosis’, but anyway. I felt like killing myself two days ago and now I feel like I can get on with my life. This is confusing and makes it really difficult to get a firm grasp on...
January 2012
108 posts
6 tags
Lecture.
I REALLY need to go to my lecture in the morning. But this is going to be a mega challenge because:
It starts at 9am
I feel disgusting after purging a gazillion times tonight
I hate people
It is 1am now and my mind is whirring
I have major anxiety about going back after absence
It involves group tasks
I am disgusting
I ate too much
I took a bunch of laxatives
Most of me doesn’t see...
Piggy pig pig pig.
Shakey.
Just purged and I feel so strange, my heart is fluttering and my hands are shaking and I just feel weird.
Just spat up blood & I didn’t even purge yesterday. Interesting.
Oh great, I'm awake again.
