January 2012
85 posts
Went out with some old friends last night and drank. Drinking is bad for me. It makes me eat/binge which leads to other things. I spent a lot of money on a taxi and purged when I got in. I wanted to self harm but I have been cut free for almost a year and didn’t have any way of doing it. Which I am glad about. So I took some old meds which I had left over from last year. I was on the max...
I am a fucking disaster.
Talking about things should make them easier. I just feel overwhelmed. An overwhelming sense to destroy. To destroy the self. There is too much going on to sleep.
“I laughed and said, Life is easy. What I meant was, Life is easy with you here,...”
– Miranda July.
I feel really confused and mixed up. L hung out with L tonight. I told her more about me than ever before. She told me W’s sister has been in hospital for anorexia. I feel strange. I feel like I already knew this from previous comments but they were only small. How could I have known. Things got deep. I haven’t eaten today. I feel like crying.
4 tags
I managed to leave the house after battling with my mind. I waited for the bus and when it came there wasn’t enough money on my card. I had to try hard not to cry. I walked in a daze into G knowing I would be late. I thought of ways to kill myself on the way and the problems they come with. I got a coffee somewhere and read my book in the corner. I thought about practicing but what is the...
Agh fuck I don’t want to leave the house.
A Beast.
Purged.
Fuck.
I managed not to purge today and have eaten a little more.
Just sitting here right now feeling really uncomfortable. I just felt my stomach, it is disgusting. I want to have a shower but I can’t bare to look at my body. Why can’t I have a normal life without gaining weight. Why does my supposedly natural body weight have to be so high. I found an old picture of me today and I think I...
Feeling really full, really trying not to purge. :/
Kaboom.
So I am having an amazingly positive afternoon after last night/this morning. My mood is sort of related to my intake but I will ignore that for now. A few things have inspired me and shed a little light into my life. I think I can up my intake a bit with a list of safe foods that with either mean I maintain or lose. I can’t gain right now but I really want to stop bingeing and purging. I...
It is decided. I am staying here. Staying in the safety of my room. I hate that I think about weight. It is such a ridiculous thing to worry about, to base your worth on. To let your whole life revolve around. A shape or a size. I am ridiculous.
“This person realizes that staying home means blowing off everyone this person...”
– Miranda July - No One Belongs Here More Than You.
1 tag
Anxiety.
I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want people to see me. I don’t want to see people. I don’t want people to talk to me. I don’t want to stand up in front of everyone. Numbers suck. I suck. Every five minutes, I’ll go, I won’t go, I should go, I’ll call in sick, I will feel better if I go, I will feel worse if I go, does it even matter if I...
No food seems safe. :(
4 tags
Feeling so attractive right now. Dealing with the effects of laxitives, then purging. Wasting so much money. I bought loads of food, threw it up or threw it out. I know my bingeing is a result of low intake but every time I try and eat more I purge or it leads to a binge which I purge anyway. Stupid twat.
What is my life.
Today.
My skirt is falling off. My body looks horrendous. My weight has stayed the same. I hope the laxatives don’t kick in at college. My nose is still blocked. I am going to my lecture.
4 tags
I seem to have given myself a blocked nose from purging. There is a difference in my hands. I would really like someone to hold me.
I am really paranoid that the amount I have been purging is going to block the drains, they are shared drains. This has happened in the two previous houses I have lived in. I am also paranoid that my neighbours will complain to my landlord as I am convinced they can...
5 tags
I feel really disgusting and fat. My friend just told me how I looked so much better over Christmas. This friend means a lot to me and I trust her but I don’t really know if she means this or if she is just saying it. I had begun to start losing weight then so it could have been that. I had gained weight over the past year so she could genuinely have meant that. She could have been saying it...
4 tags
Material.
My old jeans fit me again. I remember when they used to be extremely baggy, I thought they might look silly because they weren’t meant to be baggy. I didn’t associate that with being thin though. I thought maybe they had stretched through general wear or had always been baggy and I hadn’t realised. It was something I just couldn’t accept. I have a lot of clothes I still...
4 tags
Body.
My eating disordered self feels like my real self. It is what I know best and what I comfortable with. It is what I have lived with for a large part of my life. I feel like my body is my own. During recovery I felt every bit of extra flesh wasn’t part of me. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I just felt wrong. I guess deep down I know eventually that I would become comfortable with that...
4 tags
Supermarkets can be dangerous.
I wish I had money for alcohol but no I spent it on food that went down the drain. Pins and needles in my hands.
4 tags
I have been purging a lot this week. Now every time I eat or drink something it comes back up into my mouth. It seems to take a big toll on my body which it didn’t years ago. I guess I have just abused my body too long. Shame I am still huge, there is a lot to lose.
Hate my neighbour.
4 tags
I missed so much college this week. I purged so much this week. I drank so much this week. All things I said I would do less of this year. I am such a mess. At least I am still losing weight, right?
4 tags
I have lost xxlbs since my ‘relapse’ and a grand total of zero people have noticed.
I am so tired and confused. I want to sleep sleep sleep. My body and mind are tired. I have a class at 9am and an assignment due tomorrow. I keep eating out and then feeling like I am not in control and eating more because I know I will be sick. Extreme guilt. I am still losing weight. I hate being sick. The answer seems not to eat at all. I don’t know.
Weight has shifted after being stuck, but today was the last day I would’ve expected it to happen. Secret smile.
4 tags
I am such a roller coaster of emotions at the moment. My day was mainly good, I was feeling okay and decided to eat something. I thought it would be okay to eat out with my friends. I came home and purged it all. I guess there is a positive in the fact that eating infront of people at all would have been impossible before. But that was also before ‘recovery’ and since relapse things...
